Thursday, October 16, 2014

Having a child can really bring out the best in a person. 

You realize you love this little human being more than anything in the whole world and you just want to shower them with kisses and snuggles. You become selfless and nurturing and really great at cleaning poop and you know all the words to hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog. 
You rock this whole parenting thing.

But then there's this part of having a child that makes you realize the absolute worst parts about yourself. 

Like, good god, if my kid wakes me out of this glorious sleep ONE MORE TIME I'm gonna lose my SHIT. And then you proceed to violently throw back the covers and grunt some primal sound from within, obviously signaling to your spouse here I go again, just keep snoring away!!!, while you stomp down the hallway to find the damn pacifier hiding 2 inches from your 1 year old's grasp. 

Ahhhhh.. the beauty of parenthood.

Along with the discovery of my raging temper and sleeping bear mentality in the middle of the night, I've also noticed my inner OCD nazi and overall lack of patience. 

Just this morning, I was giving Hadley pieces of bagel with cream cheese on them and held my breath as she walked by our couch dangling her cream cheese coated hands inches above the fabric. By the way, we bought the couch with the full knowledge cream cheese hands would be all over it at one point.. it is completely washable and durable yet I still can't handle it. 

Why not put her in the high chair you ask? Oh, because every time she's up there 95% of the food is thrown to the floor while she stares at me, willing me to lose it once again. AM I THAT TRANSPARENT HADLEY? 

Plus, our dog isn't here to "clean up" the remnants of our high chair stand off. 

Should I add hatred of cleaning floors to my list of faults?

And speaking of cleaning.. forget having a clean house. Toddler tornados are a real thing and no space is safe. Hadley has discovered every cabinet, basket, closet and toilet. I've caught her with her hand in the toilet more times than I want to admit. Thankfully, so far they've all been pee & feces-free toilets. 

There is literally something on the floor in every room of our house. When we want to have company over, not only do we have to dedicate twice as much time to cleaning beforehand but we also have to strategically plan around the tornado. Which room will she hit first and how can we hide that shit? I'm trying to imagine the destruction with multiple children... shudder

Then there's the shameless things you do to make it through the day. We have to climb 2 flights of stairs to get into our condo (I'm still waiting for a stellar, stair-stepper ass) and sometimes I have 34234231 things to carry. Rather than make a million trips because who has that kind of stamina?... sometimes I attempt it all at once and ask Hadley to climb up on her own. This can take forever. Like, come on sis, my arms are about to fall off. All these stairs are the same. Why must you stop and talk to each one? 

Easy solution? 
Hey Hadley.. let's play fetch!
She thinks it's just as fun as Cali does and we get up the stairs in record time.
Win win?

Being an OCD, morning monster who loses her cool during toddler food fights could be enough to put me down about myself but the best part about all this parenting/self discovery is.. it's kind of hilarious. Sure, when my raging bitch comes out at 4am I'm sure Josh doesn't find it that funny. But later he gets to make fun of me for it and then we're both laughing, and it all doesn't seem so bad like it did at 4am. Because everything is bad at 4am unless you're inebriated at a rave.  

We all suck at this parenting thing at one time or another... or what feels like all the time. Lucky for me and Hadley, when I suck Josh usually picks up the pieces beautifully. I got lucky with the most patient, well-tempered man in the universe. 
So thank you Josh!!! You go boy!!!

For those of you who are new to this, veterans or about to become brand new punching bags parents, just remember we won't fault you for treating your kid like a dog every once in a while. 

Stay sane and keep laughing,

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