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Travel HELL

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

*Forewarning: this post will contain many fbombs because I have a lot of feelings and must RELEASE THEM INTO THE WORLD, SORRY MOM. 

Remember that post I did a while back on the art of traveling with a toddler?

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
^^Those are the travel gods laughing in our faces last Saturday when we endured 19 very long and painful hours of traveling with a toddler. I imagine them yelling SUCKERS and saying, "Let's see you graciously handle stomach bugs, snow storms and a zillion delayed flights now you travel experts."

Is this what parenting is all about? Thinking you've figured it out and then you turn the corner and your kid is shitting on your kitchen floor or yelling fuck at grandma?? Laugh it off, grandma, laugh it off!!!!! We've got this under control!!!!!!

Snow started falling in Billings while we we're trying to get a few hours of sleep before our 5am flight. Lucky (?) for us we we're all sick with some nasty stomach bug the day before so we had been sleeping and lounging a lot. We left for the airport rested and gassy as fuck. 

Are you already loving this story?

On our way to the airport, I'm started thinking this might be a problem. I couldn't see farther than a few feet in front of our car as snow barreled towards the ground. The small airport was crowded with tons of other people running late. We made it on our plane with a few minutes to spare and tried to get comfortable so we could go back to sleep. An hour later, we're still sitting on the ground watching snow fall while United Airlines (which we will now call United Fuckers for the rest of this post) de-ices our plane. 

I've flown plenty of times in my life but this was the first time I experienced this whole "de-icing" thing and little did I know I'd be a GD expert by the end of the day. 

Finally, they tell us we can take off and get going. At this point I'm not worried about the weather or if flying is even safe.. I just want to GO. GO PLEASE GOD, I'M SWEATING AND LAYING BOMBS BACK HERE. HELP ME. At one point during the DE ICE I had to run to the bathroom fearful I was going to vom-dot-com all over Hadley. It was just the beginning of a glorious day....

Another hour and a half later we land in Denver, where it is thankfully not snowing. We half-ass run to our next gate because we know we've already missed our connection home. The gate attendant confirms this so now we head to customer service. Of course there's a long line with other peeps from snowy Billings in the same boat, so I take Hadley to play on the walking tracks while Josh tries to square us away. 

United Fuckers tells us they don't have anything to get us home until 4pm. At this point, it's 9:30am Denver time and this flight at 4pm doesn't even go to DC. It goes to Minneapolis. And then later DC. Getting us to our final destination at approximately 9:30pm. I look at this United Fucker trying to help us with Hadley in my arms, my pregnant belly and a pitiful look on my face and PLEAD with her, PLEASE, LADY OF THE UNITED FUCKERS, you have to have something better than that?!!!!! What am I gonna do with this child for 6+ hours in this airport??? We we're scheduled to be home 7 hours before that time!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!

She gives a few options for direct flights to DC that we can try on standby before the Minneapolis flight. So that's what we do. We head to the first gate and wait to see if we can get on. Minutes before the plane is supposed to leave, the gate attendant calls us and says she only has only one seat. So I can either go alone with Hadley and try to handle her myself on this long ass flight while sick Josh stays behind and blows up every bathroom in the Denver airport OR we can all stay behind and blow up the Denver airport together (not like real bombs, we're not that cray). 

We decide to stick together and try the next standby flight. 

Fail. Nothing. 

So we sleep on the airport floor and try to kill time until our flight to Minneapolis. 


At this point, we're pretty defeated but things aren't horrible. We're still hopeful.. we're gonna make it home. This day will end. We can do this!

We get on our flight and start inching across America towards the MOTHERLAND.

Now on this United Fuckers flight we meet the biggest United Fucker of them all... Stewardess Whitney. Stewardess Whitney decided to bring her bitch to work on the worst day ever. All was well until Stewardess Whitney was doing a routine trash pick up. Josh was trying to throw away a small bag of trash and was having trouble getting it in her plastic bag. Instead of helping his struggle, she snaps the bag out of his hands, says "I'LL JUST DO IT, OKAY?" and then ROLLS. HER. EYES. RIGHT. IN. OUR. FACES.

OH HELLLLLLLLLZ NAW.

Now, I'm pissed. Fuming. Shooting the evilest of eyes at Stewardess Bitchney. 

I was brainstorming the best comeback possible to slay her on my way off the plane when Hadley decided it was time to throw the world's most impressive tantrum.

I have seen her throw down twice before this moment. Both times equally terrifying and upsetting with a dash of comical. But those two times, I enjoyed front row seats in the comfort of our own home. This time, the show was very public with no way to escape. Parachute anyone?

I kid you not when I say Hadley is stronger than I am when she hulks out in a devil-induced tantrum. Josh was trying to constrain her in our little two seat row while she fought him with all her might for a solid 20 minutes. We tried all the usual tricks to calm her down, distract, make her laugh, ANYTHING. But absolutely nothing would stop her. 

I was busy trying not to make eye contact with all our friendly flying neighbors when Stewardess Whitney returned to our row. "Is there anything I can do for you all?" 

I looked her right in the eye and said, "I think you've been enough help today, THANK YOU." And urged her to walk the fuck away before I started the most epic flying high, girl fight United Fuckers had ever seen. 

Hadley continued to scream while we continued to sweat. She finally calmed down and then almost immediately passed out standing up in between Josh's legs. 4 days later it almost seems we imagined the whole thing but the scratches on Josh's neck and ears don't lie. She drew blood and we hoisted white flags. We surrender. We suck. Please take us home. We accept defeat.

We practically sprinted off that plane in Minneapolis, afraid our fellow passengers may start throwing peanuts or empty mini bottles at our heads. Speaking of alcohol, I had never wanted a drink so badly in my pregnancy. 

We arrived over an hour late to Minneapolis since they had to de-ice that plane, too. OH, did I mention it started snowing in Denver a day early while we we're waiting for our flight? Yeah. So now it's snowing EVERYWHERE WE ARE GOING. Including Minneapolis. 

Thankfully, the snow worked in our favor this time. Our last flight to DC was also delayed because of the snow so we didn't miss our connection. We waited around some more and then boarded this last tiny plane. This time United Fuckers didn't have the right seats for us so we had to move around and make a poor family split up. The dad of this family goes, "Oh I remember you guys from the last flight. She seems to be happier now." GREAT. Hope you enjoyed the show bub! 

This third and final flight went a little more smoothly than the last. Hadley was fussy as hell but luckily no one could really hear her screams from the back of the plane. 

We finally make it to DC and our luggage is miraculously there. We drive the hour home and walk in our door at 1am. 

19 fucking hours later. 

Our beds have never looked so glorious. 

Things we learned...

We hate United Fuckers. And are going out of our way to avoid them for our next trip in February. Can you believe we're braving another plane ride so soon? Call it crazy or just plain STOOOOPID.

Stewardess Whitney will forever be the most hated United Fucker of all time.

De-icing is probably safe and necessary but also fucking STOOPID. We hate you de-icing.

Babies have hulk-like strength when over tired and really, really, really angry. Do not try to wrestle them.

Positive things to take away...

We survived as a family and as a couple after one of our most trying days. We may even love each other a little more :)

And this.. [insert crying laughing emoji here]


This rant is now over.

Love & forgiveness (except for Stewardess Whitney.. NEVER),

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